Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
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“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
me and the Superbowl rn
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Make new friends? bro out of what?
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
this could fix me
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.