give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
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Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline