Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
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Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Me :
All Day At Night
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.