4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
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Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.