I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
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This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Xylophonist Shredding It
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.