Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
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I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.