How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
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Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Found my door mat
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Support your local cemetery
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.