I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
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Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.