ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
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Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
He wanted to make sure😂
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.