Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
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wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.