Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
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*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood