When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
You Might Also Like
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.