[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
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Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Self-cleaning conscience
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.