I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
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I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.