Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
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“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.