They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
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Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
My life in a nutshell
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides