Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
*watches the world burn*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.