First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
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Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
yea so i messed up lol
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.