is there nothing we can trust anymore
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Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
My wedding will be open casket.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it