Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
You Might Also Like
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
“Sheer Arrogance”
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day