Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
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[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood