I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
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*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I’m not stressed
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
greetings!
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Meow
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home