I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
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me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…