I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
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For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?