Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
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Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving