if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
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Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I think I’m having a stroke
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.