Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
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is this a threat
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Nice try Hitler
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
This week’s mood.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how