I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
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CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Who does Amazon think I am?
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Yes, this is exactly right
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever