My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
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Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I can’t stop laughing at this
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.