Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
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I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
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[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.