Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
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Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment