Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
You Might Also Like
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I just love that new Pope smell.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
When you let grandma cat sit
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…