How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
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When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
handsome & gretel
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.