I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
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[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?