Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
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I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.