{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
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*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?