Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
lmao
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I only treason on days ending in y
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.