Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
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Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”