Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
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*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
This line from Airplane.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.