i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
You Might Also Like
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.