Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
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One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Important
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.