ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
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Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
The 6 types of sex
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”