Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
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first you must answer his riddles
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Sharon I have some bad news
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints