teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
You Might Also Like
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
October already? What’s next? November????
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”