Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
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The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Beauty and the Beast
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
We’ve all been there
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY