I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
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When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
plums roundup
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.