Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
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Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.