sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
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The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it