What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
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My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*