With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
You Might Also Like
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.